Early Nights: Long-Distance Hurts

Okay. It already hurts. Is it already supposed to be hurting?

I saw my boyfriend four days ago. Four!

He and his dad and his brothers came to my graduation and we all had spaghetti at my apartment afterwards. It was great. Our families got to talk and mingle. My parents even got the "sooo cool" stamp from the 14-year-old. Absolute win.

My boyfriend got the "I really like him" from my stepdad. Another absolute win.

"Can we stay until 6:30?" I heard my boyfriend ask his dad. He gave a small smile and nodded. They had a two and a half hour drive home and things to do.

Joel and I eight months ago before our first date. Definitely my favorite picture and my screensaver.

My heart sank as I looked over at the oven clock. 5:43.

I knew that in just under an hour, I would hug my boyfriend goodbye and we would become a long-distance couple indefinitely. Both of us are without cars and jobs, which makes logistics really tough right now. We don't have a set date to see each other again. Nothing is hammered and chiseled into my Google Calendar. And it stinks.

I've never done well with uncertainty. And now, everything is uncertain.

Joel and I have been dating for eight months, but we've been friends for over a year. We try to talk on the phone every day, and are successful most of the time.

But for the past couple of weeks, we had been spending a lot of time together. I stayed over at his dorm almost every night. I was avoiding an awkward situation with my roommate and, logistically, it just made sense. And we had so much fun.

So naturally, going from all time together to zero time together feels super abnormal. The routine we both got used to is no more.

And I really love him, so it totally hurts.

I just wasn't expecting it to hurt so soon.

I thought it'd take a couple weeks. I'd get settled in, spend some quality time with my parents and my dog, and then realize my other half was missing.

But nope. I realized it as soon as I saw him walk away in the pouring rain to get to his dad's car.

In that moment, I truly wanted to run after him, climb over his brothers and squeeze in for the ride, saying "Please take me with you!"

Instead, I waved, walked slowly toward my door, and cried immediately.

In truth, I know that it's time to be a big girl. I know I couldn't have gone home with my boyfriend's family. I know I have to find a job. I know I have to start building the life I want. I know I have to get it together.

I'm just sad and scared about it all.

Two nights ago, Joel and I decided to try and fall asleep together on a video call. We both really couldn't talk because he was sleeping in the same room as his brothers. We just laid there and looked at each other.

Joel fell asleep first, as it normally happens. I tried, but eventually started to cry so hard I ended the call. He messaged me that he'd noticed and asked if I was okay.

I told him that seeing him there without actually being there with him was really hurting. He told me to not be discouraged, that long-distance won't be as bad as I think it's going to be, and that it was all going to work out. Joel is a much more positive person than I am.

I hope he's right, and I know he probably is, but in just these four days so far...

Long-distance hurts.